Plans. I love making plans. Plans with family, plans with friends, plans for the week, the month and the future. I think that’s why I’m so drawn to planners. I love sitting down and taking the time to just sort through the days to come, scheduling dates, meal planning, deciding deadlines, setting goals, and the writer in me especially loves writing them all down – in pretty little cursive letters. But, keeping plans. Well, that’s a whole new story all together.
Lately, I find time getting away from me. Everyone warned that would happen, especially as I get older. I truly am in utter shock that I find myself typing this blog in front of my Christmas tree, because I’m pretty darn sure that it was JUST Easter like yesterday. That being said, my calendar still screams out ‘Christmas is NINE days.’ For the most part, I keep my plans with everyone – everyone except me.
My plans this season were to watch a ton of Christmas movies. To bake cookies and cook yummy winter meals. To take that perfect family picture (you know the one that leaves the whole family stressed and barely on speaking terms) and send out the card that shows matching sweaters and perfect smiles. Yet, currently, I find myself in a very different season. It’s Christmastime, alright, but it certainly hasn’t felt like it. It’s been a season of utter chaos – a season that has brought me to doctors offices for hours on end, earned me VIP spot in the take out line, one that has me staring at an ornament-less tree, and unable to score even one picture of the five of us since September.
But, Lord, I had some awesome plans! SO MANY OF THEM. Who can relate?!
Yet, barely any of my own plans have prevailed this season. When Chris got surgery in October, I never could have imagined the journey we’d have to take. It’s been a long and drawn out process to healing. Maceration, nerve entrapment, wound culture, wound vac… these are just some of the terms I’ve learned in the last month. Doctors visits have been never ending, and I’m the one driving Mr. Daisy. Working full time and being a care taker has stretched me in ways I didn’t know I could stretch! Some days I’ve beasted it and others I have curled up in a fetal position, while rocking back and forth, and sucking my thumb. Ok, maybe not that bad, but I have considered taking up thumb sucking again.
Today, while watching Jim Carrey’s Grinch for the tenth time, (It’s my nephews favorite and makes me feel like at least I watched ONE Christmas movie) this silly part stuck out to me. Ok, it more than stuck out. I actually learned a life lesson from a fictional character in a Christmas movie. He’s thinking of all the reasons he cannot attend the Whobilation and, while looking at his calendar, he says: Dinner with me. I can’t cancel that again.
Whoa. To make plans with ourselves and actually deem ‘us’ as important as we do everyone else. That’s where I’m totally missing it. I’m the person who I never value enough to keep my commitment to. This year has been eye opening in the sense of self care and self love. I get it now. In order to care well for others, I must first care for me. And, that’s true! But, today, the Grinch, of all people, opened my eyes to something so new; and, while so hard for me to accept, so vital to self healing. I alone am worth it. I alone am worth setting time aside for. I alone and worth being with. Not just so I can be better for everyone else, but just because I AM ENOUGH. I don’t need an excuse to spend time on or with myself. It’s not about benefiting everyone else. It’s just because I need me. More than anyone else, I need me. To be whole. To be well. To be rested. To be the best me I can be.
Often life will not go as we planned. So much of it is out of our control. So, please, make plans with yourself, and, more importantly, keep those plans as if they are a priority. Because it’s in the alone time that we hear God’s voice the loudest. When we quiet our minds, center our hearts, and just be still – God will reveal His plans; they’re the ones that matter most. In this, we will find ourselves all over again because losing ourselves – well that is most traumatic loss of all.
“Many plans are in a man’s heart, But the counsel of the LORD will stand.”