“Whether or not you discover your talents and passions is partly a matter of opportunity. If you’ve never been sailing, or picked up an instrument, or tried to teach or to write fiction, how would you know if you had a talent for these things?”
I think that after you lose someone you so desperately loved, you almost end up living two lives. It’s not just in the way I’ve described before – life before Christiano and life after him, but there’s also this strong desire to continue choosing to get up and live your own best life every single day… because you feel this is the best way to honor your loved one who didn’t get that luxury. But, there is also this deep, deep urge live out the life your loved one was robbed of.
I remember that first year after Christiano went to heaven, I wanted so desperately to hold onto him. I wanted to walk where he walked, watch what he watched, talk to the people he loved to talk to. I wanted to be in his world, the one he’d left behind… the one that I wished I knew more about. I wanted to love others and inspire people JUST like Christiano did.
As we approach five years, (seriously how has it been five years?!) I’ve evolved so much as a person. I’ve diminshed in some ways, too. I’ve learned and I’ve lost – both in heaping quantities. In five years, I have dealt with the most excruciating pain, I have had three different jobs, (four if you count the second job I picked up back in May) graduated with my Bachelors, spoken at churches, taken thousands of pictures, written millions of words, uttered some of my most heartfelt prayers, lost friends, gained friends, hurt people and been hurt by people, missed it sometimes, but killed it more times, gained a ton of weight, lost a little just this year, witnessed two of my children graduate, became a youth director & a bookkeeper at my church… yes, I know it’s a weird combo!
As I’ve journeyed to find myself – unintentionally, but unavoidably, I’ve gotten lost MANY times. I have really struggled to find my way in this process. It’s been incredibly painful, but undoubtedly worth it. Each time I’ve gotten lost along the way, I heard the still, small, voice of my Savior. He always managed to help me find my way back to center. He’s held me and kept me from walking off the cliffs of confusion that seem to be everywhere. He’s shown me a confidence I would have never known unless I had gone through the valley of the shadow of death…
With all that being said, I’m now in a really good place. I’m allowing Him to teach me all the things He needs to while getting from point A to point B. He’s so good! “Truly, there is wonderful joy ahead.”
This is my new and improved website. Like me, it’s still evolving. I’m thankful to a fearless friend – Michelle – who said “who cares if you have multiple giftings?! Don’t let anyone put you in a box. You like lots of things, and you’re good at them, so do all of them if you want to!”
Those are the words I needed to hear. Those are the words that lined up with my heart and spirit. I can do whatever I want! As long as the Lord is with me, I cannot fail. So, hey… here’s to new beginnings. Here’s to squashing every single insecurity, doubt and worry. Here’s to laughing without fear of my future. Here’s to writing, dabbling in photography, getting healthy, speaking, teaching, living and loving all the same time.