Wannabe

I wanna be the best I can be. I wanna be a more patient wife and a beast mode mom, a best friend and a fruitful Christian. I wanna be the most loyal daughter, strongest sister,  and the coolest auntie ever. I wanna be all these things and more.

I want to juggle the balls of life without ever dropping one. Because, lets face it, a woman who drops balls is not what we ever wants to be. Mom guilt is too real.

I want a Pinterest perfect home, a car floor you could eat off of way past the five-second rule. I want to be fully present wherever I find myself instead of longing for home when I’m working and for Calgon to take me away when I’m folding seven loads of laundry.

I wanna be better. Actually, no. I wanna be the best. At everything. I want the Midas touch on everything I put my hand do. I want to never again struggle financially – like, ever. I wanna be two or three sizes smaller, while being able to eat whatever I want, and I still don’t quite understand why carrying a baby, or 22 bags of groceries or lifting my hands in worship doesn’t make me buff.

I want to make a difference in the lives of those I love and those I don’t even know. I wanna be the best youth director, writer, blog poster, picture taker, bookkeeper, social’media’ite I can be. I want my life to count, and, sometimes, (ok all the time) I want to save the world.

I wanna stop eating after 7, drink more water, pack my lunch every day for work and iron the clothes the night before. Instead, I’m running around in the morning trying to find something to wear and resolving that a granola bar will hold me all day.

I want to make my coffee at home, but the Dunkin drive-thru literally calls my name. (I’m so serious) I want to save more money, but giving to anyone in need always takes first place.

I wanna be further. Further along in ministry, further along in education, further along in my book. I wanna be more disciplined, more consistent, more creative. I want to be a superhero, or a hero that’s just super.

I want to live all my dreams and travel the world and proclaim Jesus and all He has done for me.

But, more than anything, I wanna stop being a wanna be.

I wanna stop being my own worst enemy, my own tough critic, my very own hater.

I wanna be content with where I am, not because I’m good enough, but, because I’m loved and accepted by the One who is.

Fellow ladies, SO MUCH of my life has not gone as planned. Sometimes it’s hard to remain thankful when you’re literally falling apart. It’s hard not to lose ourselves when what we do begins to define who we are. It’s so easy to ponder and get lost in the ideas of who we want to be or how we want our lives to be, while missing the greatness surrounding us.

The truth is my house isn’t Pinterest perfect. Sometimes, it isn’t even Walmart worthy. (Well, my clothes today might be). My car is always a mess even when I clean it because I always forfeit the part where I actually drop off the good will stuff in trunk. I’m not a superhero, unless you count selective hearing as a superpower.

I’m not making all the differences I want to make. There are so many natural factors preventing me from living my dreams at this moment in time, but I’m a willing vessel who wants to be used by God however He sees fit. I’m a doer by nature who is still learning to just be still. A wannabe learning to simply ‘be’ present while being in His presence – because that’s enough.IMG_7501

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