Nine Months

Nine months it took to perfectly form you in my womb; to grow each organ and form every bone; to expand your lungs and strengthen your beating heart. Nine months to lengthen each finger and toe and to shape each vessel; to awaken your five senses and fill your brain with the necessary knowledge to survive outside of me. Nine months for me to feel like I’d known you my whole entire life; nine months to prepare to be your mother forever. Nine months for me to know a connection so deep, and nine months for me to anticipate meeting you face to face. Nine months to imagine all you would be and all you would do. Nine months to feel you grow inside of me and nine months for me try and grow up for you. Nine months for me to decorate your nursery and plan what you would wear home from the hospital. Nine months of a love that I’d never known. Nine months of talking to you and sharing my dreams with you. Nine months of feelings not known before – exuberant joy, giddy excitement, hopeful expectation were just a few. But, there were also times of worry, fear, and anxiousness. Nine months to be ready, prepared, confident. Nine months to know that one can never be ready. Nine months is all it took to bring your beautiful life forth to me. And, in one moment you were gone. It doesn’t seem right. I doesn’t feel fair. I wanted you with every ounce of my being from the moment I knew you were conceived. For nine months, I carried you. And, it’s been nine months since I carried you for the last time. 

It’s been nine months. Nine months of hell. Nine months of not talking to you or kissing you or hugging you. Nine months of shattered dreams that will never be and purposeful plans placed on a shelf. Nine months of pain and desperation; chaos and confusion. Nine months of anticipation;  when will I get to be with you again? Nine months of giving up and surrendering all and nine months of wrestling against my own flesh and blood. Nine months of an extra chair at the dinner table and a closet full of your clothes. Nine months of regret about things that were said, but even more painful are the things left unsaid. Nine months  looking at life through a new set of eyes and nine months to remember everything that you taught me. Nine months of reminiscing – replaying every good laugh, recollecting each kind word and cherishing every past hug. Nine months of falling on The Lord like I never have, and resting in His promise. Nine months of knowing that I don’t know. Nine months of being changed into His image. It’s been nine months, but this time I’m the one being carried; carried by the same God who has carried you then and is carrying you now. And, I’m being shaped, molded, changed and reformed to look more and more like Him.
 It’s hard. I don’t want to spend one more day without you, Christiano. I don’t want to forget anything about you. There’s so much of you still inside of me. Maybe that is why they say that having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body. We are forever connected, and a part of my heart is forever missing as long as I’m here without you. I love you, my baby boy. Always and forever. 

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