‘I just want to be better.’
I’ve said that quite a bit lately and felt it even more than I’ve said it. It is quite a frustrating feeling to feel. To get better, to feel better, to be better; the thought can be both appealing and overwhelming at the same time. I don’t want to be a broken, grieving mother forever – one who comes undone with the slightest trigger. However, I am broken and I do come undone.
What I really want, I can’t have right now. Christiano won’t be coming through my front door, so I have lots and lots of waiting until I see him. (Especially when just a minute seems too long a time.) So, I’ve resorted to the hearts desire that’s possible, and that’s for God to fix me. I want my broken heart healed, my mind restored, and my body free from the pain of grief. I want to grow in my love for God and for others, and give freely without expecting. I want to rest in knowing that I don’t know everything and, somehow, find joy in this suffering. I want to be whole instead of broken and cracked. Life has knocked me down hard many times, but each time I have gotten back up. I’ve conquered and overcome many trials and tribulations in my life, starting with my childhood. But, this time, it just isn’t that simple. This time, I can’t stand on my own, so I will need to be carried for awhile. I can’t help but wonder if this is where God has wanted me all along -carried by Him; held through the storm, strengthened only by His might? Is this where He wants all of us?
So often, we bring our own stuff to the table, along with our own methods, agendas, motives and ideas. We fight our way through this life and hustle and bustle to make ends meet. We get involved in church activities and ministries and look for people to affirm us. We read self- help books, try to keep our bodies in shape, and work really hard just to get by. Because, the truth is, we ALL just want to be better. And, sometimes, we want it so badly that we don’t even see how far we’ve really come.
This morning, I put my kids on the bus without worrying that it would crash, or be run off the road, or flip over. That’s progress. For months, I’ve been plagued with worry that I have had to throw off. And, this morning that little bit of progress reminded me that I am on my way. And, wasn’t it a beautiful reminder of where my help comes from; it wasn’t a method or an idea that delivered me from worry, but The Lord. My help comes from The Lord, and casting my cares on Him will sustain and deliver me. Of course, I still desire to be better, and I’m not where I want to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be. We do not always get to see the big picture, and we don’t know how God will do it, but He does – in time. In time, beauty will replace the ashes of this broken life. Because, in His time, He makes all things beautiful.
‘He has made everything beautiful in its time. He also has planted eternity in men’s hearts and minds a divinely implanted sense of a purpose working through the ages which nothing under the sun but God alone can satisfy, yet so that men cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.’ Ecclesiastes 3:11