I love you and believe in you. I want to do what you created me to do, but I don’t know how. I feel like I don’t know how to make the right decisions. I don’t feel like you hear me when I speak mostly because I can not hear you, see you, or touch you. Sometimes, I don’t feel like I can trust you. I gave you total control of Christiano. I prayed over him and released him to your care 10 days before he died. I want to trust you but I just don’t know. When people talk about stepping out in faith I get upset or I feel like it doesn’t work. I don’t want to think or feel this way, but I do. I don’t know what you have in store for my family. I want to trust you again. I want to know you more. Lord you are sovereign and you are good. I do not know your plans for me but still in all this darkness and confusion, I must believe your word. And your word says that you know the plans you have for me and they are good, plans to prosper and not harm me. I do not know how losing my son in a tragic car accident could be good, but you do. Your word says our days are numbered; I used to believe that meant that our lives here on earth were short compared to eternity. Now I believe they are literally written in a book when we are conceived like so:
Christiano Tré Barbosa
6,834 days 6 hrs. 11 mins.
At the very moment of conception your life is breathed into us, and at the very moment we accept your son as Lord and savior your breath of life, the real life, is breathed into us. I also want to believe that life really starts when we die and not just physical death but death of our will. As I write this letter to you I feel like you are saying to me right now, that christiano is not my son, but he is yours. That on that night I released him to you, he was yours to do as you please. Lord you know better than I, and you will somehow turn this for good. I don’t see it, I don’t know how, but you do. I want to have that trust with you again that everything will work out, that everything will be okay, that assurance that you are protecting my family. I desperately long for it! I desperately long for sweet peace! I desperately long for your comfort!
These here are the cries of an earthly father being poured out to his Heavenly Father. My husband is an amazing man with a heart to provide for his family. He wants to keep us safe from harm, healed from sickness, and protected from all pain. He longs to have answers to our questions and a remedy for our suffering. So, he does all he knows to do – he turns to The Lord. For, He knows better than all of us.
When Chris sent this to me, it reminded me of a psalm written by David, who was also a man after God’s own heart. I’ve read many books on grieving since our son passed away, and in almost every one there is a warning not to forget the fathers. I am truly grateful that this hasn’t happened to my husband. A few great men have reached out and come alongside him, and that blesses me so much. But, I’m even more grateful that I married a man who is real with his Father God; a man who knows where His true help comes from, and he is faithful to remind me regularly.