When Christiano was born, I fell in love the moment I heard him cry. The doctor handed him off to the nurse within seconds to have his vitals checked, but more importantly to tend to me. I had hemorrhaged and lost quite a bit of blood during delivery, so the doctor gave me blood transfusions and monitored me very closely. During that time, I just kept saying ‘I want my baby,’ over and over again. Up until about two weeks after Christiano was born, I had a hard time letting anyone hold him. For for the first time in my life I possessed unconditional love, and that’s all I ever longed for. I went from being a fifteen year old little girl to a protective mother within the time my baby took his first breath. And, on October 24th, 2013, I went from being a ‘normal’ mom to a grieving mom when he took his last breath. In his life and in his death, I am forever changed.
At times I feel like a stranger to myself, like I’ve been kidnapped. I don’t know the how or the where to find me. I’m a stranger to grieving and experiencing physical pain in my heart. I’m a stranger to losing a part of me and feeling disabled. I’ve even become a stranger to things I once knew – like the common struggles of life. It’s challenging for me to hear about the things my friends are struggling with – from experiencing financial trouble to being exhausted – because I just don’t seem to be able to relate. I want to relate, but, truthfully, I would give anything for one of those problems. I remember when I first had Christiano, and my friends felt like they could no longer relate to me. One of my best friends said to me, ‘I just feel like my problems are so trivial in comparison to yours. I’m worried about a history test and your raising a child.’ It was a lonely place because I was the only parent in my circle. Back then, I still longed to have friends and fit in somewhere and often made poor choices to be received by others. I feel like that again, only this time I have nothing motivating me to fit anywhere. I feel alone some days, and I worry that I make people feel uncomfortable. There are times I can go from being happy and laughing to sad and crying within seconds. I’m not who I was two months ago because I’ve been robbed and stripped of my first true and tangible love. I may never be the same; I may never be ‘me’ again.
There’s a song we used to sing to The Lord in church, and the lyrics go like this:
‘All I am is what You’ve made me;
All I have is what You give me…’
And, that’s where I stand today. All I can promise to be is HIS. He promises to complete all the work He began in me; so, I yield and I surrender, crying, ‘Lord, have Your way in me.’